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February 2, 2007

the $2 bill

I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public..
The younger generation doesn't know they exist.

STORY:
On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat.
In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill.
I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me:
"Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go "

Server:
"That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"

Me:
"No, it's to go.." At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.

Server:
"Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot.
The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server:
"Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"

Manager:
"No. A what?"

Server:
"A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."

Manager:
"Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."

Server:
"Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says, "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"

Me:
"Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"

Server:
"I don't know."

Me:
"See here where it says legal tender?"

Server:
"Yeah."

Me:
"So, why won't you take it?"

Server:
"Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, "He says I have to take it."

Manager:
"Doesn't he have anything else?"

Server:
"Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get c! hange "

Manager:
"I'm not opening the safe with him in here."

Server:
"What should I do?"

Manager:
"Tell him to come back later when he has real money."

Server:
"I can't tell him that! You tell him."

Manager:
"Just tell him."

Server:
"No way! This is weird. I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night."

Me:
"It's only seven o'clock ! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."

Manager:
"We don't take those, either."

Me:
"Why not?"
Manager:
"I think you know why."

Me:
"No really, tell me why."

Manager:
"Please leave before I call mall security."

Me:
"Excuse ! me?"

Manager:
"Please leave before I call mall security."

Me:
"What on earth for?"

Manager:
"Please, sir."

Me:
"Uh, go ahead, call them."

Manager:
"Would you please just leave?"

Me:
"No."

Manager:
"Fine -- have it your way then."

Me:
"Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner.. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy Comes in.

Guard:
"Yeah, Mike, what's up?"

Manager (whispering):
"This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money."

Guard:
"No kidding! What?"

Manager:
"Get this A two dollar bill."

Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?"

Manager:
"I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty."

Guard:
"Oh, so the fifty's fake!"

Manager:
"No, the two dollar bill is."

Guard:
"Why would he fake a two dollar bill?"

Manager:
"I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"

Guard:
"Yeah."

Security Guard walks over to me and......

Guard:
"Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."

Me:
"Uh, no."

Guard:
"Lemme see 'em."

Me:!
"Why?"

Guard:
"Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat, so I say "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, "Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"

Manager:
"It's fake."

Guard:
"It doesn't look fake to me."

Manager:
"But it's a two dollar bill."

Guard:
"Yeah?"

Man! ager:
"Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue.

So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free food there, too.


Just think...those two will be voting soon.........................................

Killer Biscuits

This is only humor. I HOPE its not true.

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that
Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda ref used to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially
passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Linda is a blonde and a Democrat, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.

February 14, 2007

top 8 idiots of 2006

Need a laugh?
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2006

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter
who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words:
"Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart".
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto , CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun.
Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they
tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

February 18, 2007

political science 101

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRATIC

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.


REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?


SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.


COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.


CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.


BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.


AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.


FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows..
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.


JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.


GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.


ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.


RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.


TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.


IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.


POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.


BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.


FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.


CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

February 22, 2007

DUI Hillbilly Style...

Thanks Laurie!


From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Paris,
Tennessee . After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he
tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his
car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of
other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a
fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the
vehicle for ward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still
for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started
up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and administered a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the
Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol
at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to
accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be
broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly . "Tonight I'm the
designated decoy."

March 1, 2007

Im snoopy!

Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever
asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble?

A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities
of well known and modern cartoon characters. The information that was
gathered was made into this test.

Answer all the questions (only 10) with what describes you best, add
up all your Points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the
end
and look for your results.

Do not cheat by looking at the end of the e-mail before you are
done.

Then forward this to all your friends (including the person who sent
it to you) and change the subject of this message to what character is
you.

1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
.a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
.b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
.c) Painting in the park (5 pts)
.d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
.e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)

2. What is your favorite type of music?
.a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
.b) Alternative (1 pt.)
.c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
.d) Country (5 pts.)
.e) Pop (3 pts.)

3. What type of movies do you prefer?
.a) Comedy (2 pts.)
.b) Horror (1 pt.)
.c) Musical (3 pts.)
.d) Romance (4 pts.)
.e) Documentary (5 pts.)

4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could
choose one of these?
.a) Waiter (4 pts.)
.b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
.c) Teacher (3 pts.)
d) Police (2 pts.)
.e) Cashier (1 pt)

5. What do you do with your spare time?
.a) Exercise (5 pts.)
.b) Read (4 pts.)
.c) Watch television (2 pts.)
.d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
.e) Sleep (3 pts.)

6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?
.a) Yellow (1 pt.)
.b) White (5 pts.)
.c) Sky Blue (3 pts.)
.d) Dark Blue (2 pts.)
.e) Red (4 pts.)

7. What do you prefer to eat?
.a) Snow (3 pts.)
.b) Pizza (2 pts.)
.c) Sushi (1 pt.)
.d) Pasta (4 pts.)
.e) Salad (5 pts.)

8 What is your favorite holiday?
.a) Halloween (1 pt.)
.b) Christmas (3 pts.)
.c) New Year (2 pts.)
.d) Valentine's Day (4 pts.)
.e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)

9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
.a) Paris (4 pts)
.b) Spain (5 pts)
.c) Las Vegas (1 pt)
.d) Hawaii (4 pts)
.e) Hollywood (3 pts)

10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?

.a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)
.b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
.c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
.d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
.e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting
for!


(10-16 points) You are Garfield:
You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to
have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what
you
are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see
things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what
is
right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.

(17-23 points) You are Snoopy:
You are fun, you are very cool and popular. You always know what's
in
and you are never are out of style You are good at knowing how to
satisfy
everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than
once
but you always come home with the family values that you learned Being
married and having children are important to you, but only after you
have had
your share of fun times

(24-28 points) You are Elmo:
You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to
give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and
you
always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be
too
much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in your
life.

(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:
You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best
friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never
cause
harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life
is a
journey, it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors
and
jealous people, and you will be stress free.

(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown:
You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very
serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your
Mom
every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few
Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.

(44-50 points) You are Dexter:
You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is fronted
with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong
family
principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad
situation
when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in a while to
spice
things up a bit with spontaneity!

March 8, 2007

test for dementia

Test for Dementia

Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?


Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)


First Question:

Y ou are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?




















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)




















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?


You're not very good at this, are you?


Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only . Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 . Add another 1000 ! . Now ad d 20 . Now add another 1000 . Now add 10 . What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....




















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right.... Maybe.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?




















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary.< /I> Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?





















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.

March 17, 2007

i'll let this one speak for itself

gladstone.jpg

March 18, 2007

the little white lie

Thanks Dawn!


Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love
this--especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group

bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging
through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made
it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack
up for Scout camp.

But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped
flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's
no time to bake another cake."

This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit
in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends.

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to
build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the

finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head
for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money

and specific inst ructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened
at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive
perfect cake had already been sold.

Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was
horrified she was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would

they think?

Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about,
ridiculed.

All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing
their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to
think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal
shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time.

Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob
who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice

was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa,

but having already RSVP 'd she could not think of a believable excuse
to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old
South... and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented
for dessert.

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she
started, out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but

before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said,

"What beautiful cake!"

Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard
the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you,

I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."

April 5, 2007

Have To Do A Joke - Thanks Nancy

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that
goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up
she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift box wrapped in
the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought
the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom
scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him!

April 8, 2007

A Day Without Laughter Is A Day Wasted.

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco .. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board ed in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story.... Have a great day and remember...

April 12, 2007

Directions

Thanks Patti!

Ok, this is funny!! Take 60 seconds to do this, I
guarantee you will show someone else, it's too funny
not to.


1. Go to http://www.google.com

2. Click on "Maps"

3. Click on "Get Directions"

4. Type "New York" in the first box (the "from" box)

5. Type "London" in the second box (the "to" box)

6. Click on "Get Directions"

7. Scroll down to step #23


Have a GREAT day! Patti :-)

April 17, 2007

A Little Police Humor. Thanks Theresa

My favorite has to be #11! =)


Subject: Police Humor.....Who says the police don't have a sense of humor?

The following 15 police comments were taken off actual Dallas police car videos and distributed by Monica Smith, Director DPD Public Relations Officer:


#15. "Relax... the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn'tknow, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, by all means you can talk to the shift supervisor if you think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K. I'm warning you that when you run that stop sign again, I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen Pal, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in horsey-doo !"

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big WERE those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC."

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And...................THE BEST ONE !

#1. "Excuse me ma'am? Say you thought we didn't give tickets to pretty women?........ Well, you're right, we don't....... Now, sign here."

April 18, 2007

So, If Your Were A Star Wars Character, Who Would You Be?

Me? Im this guy below!
(click on the image to take your own test)


April 19, 2007

How Totally 80's Are You?

Me....I'm a New Waver. Ugh!

Click on the image to take your own test.


Find out how totally 80's are you at LiquidGeneration!

April 29, 2007

Gotta Do Some Dog Humor

384507.jpg

384526.jpg

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May 1, 2007

On Leave.....

This is a powerpoint file. Just save and double click it.
Very funny, I promise!

Thanks Theresa.

http://www.jfsdaily.com/images/OnLeave.pps

May 5, 2007

So What Does A Polar Clock Look Like?

This is better than watching the grass grow!

http://blog.pixelbreaker.com/upload/polarclockv2/polarclock.html

May 8, 2007

Just A Little Humor =)

image001.jpg

If this needs explaining,
you're not old enough.

May 16, 2007

BBQ Rules! Thanks Sharon





BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.



When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:



Routine...




(1) The woman buys the food.

(2)
The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3)
The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.



Here comes the important part:




(4)
THE MAN



PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.



More routine....




(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(6)
The woman comes out to tell the man that



the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.



Important again:




(7)
THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.



More routine....




(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(9)
After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.



And most important of all:

(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and



THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(11)
The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....


May 22, 2007

Interesting...

http://www.xmarkjenkinsx.com/outside.html

May 27, 2007

Kick Me!

Yup, here is your change to give me a swift kick in the ......
hahaha

May 31, 2007

Thanks Mary =)

I found this while trying to get a *&^%$!!!! winzy game... like 20 searches for everything from tapioca pudding to lucky rabbit's foot (which is where this site came up).

As bizarre as it seems, I have to agree with the person... no matter how bad-ass the animal, they all seem so vulnerable if you slap a cast or a bandage on them...

http://youcantmakeitup.blogspot.com/2006/02/50-animals-in-casts.html

Enjoy! (I haven't gotten clear to the bottom yet, but it appears to be a "family-friendly" site so far.

Mary

June 2, 2007

Here Is Some More Addiction

Lets just call it marbles...

http://www.shockwave.com/content/shuffle/sis/shuffle.swf

June 12, 2007

My Son....

Asked me to add a game here....
so, here it is.......Its called helicopter attack 3 or something like that.

Enjoy...

http://www.miniclip.com/games/heli-attack-3/en/

June 19, 2007

29 Lines To Make You Smile

Thanks CAT!

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26..Ham and eggs.A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few.

July 8, 2007

Kick The Ball

July 21, 2007

Tongue Twisters

These are rough!


1. If you understand, say "understand" . If you don't understand, say " don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand". How do I understand that you understand? Understand!

**********

2.I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.

**********

3. Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.

*********

4 .A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.

**********

5 . Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People

**********

6 .If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?

**********

7 .I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.

**********

8 .Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow means?"

**********

9.Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to MrOutside inside.

Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside.

Mr Outside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.

**********

10.SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE , BUT THE SEA SHELLS THAT SHE SELLS, ON THE SEA SHORE ARE NOT THE REAL ONES

**********

11. The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.

**********

12.If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?

"When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"

**********

13.We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. Watch? Whether the weather is hot.

Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not.

**********

14.Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely .

**********

15 .A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly "Oh what should we do" Said the flea" Let us fly Said the fly"Let us flee" So they flew through a flaw in the flue

**********

16.If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues.

**********

17.Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw .....

July 23, 2007

Wife 1.0

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. Soon I noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting 6.3, Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. Don't work properly. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings-Alimony-Child Support". I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear"5.0 to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

BEST OF LUCK,
TECH SUPPORT

July 28, 2007

Need A Screen Cleaner?

This is a power point file. Just click the link to save it.

Download file

July 31, 2007

Ooooh, This is BAD!

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
Yes ."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they are searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
" ME "

August 22, 2007

You Just Have To Read This....

Thanks Dana!

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=130144061675

August 31, 2007

Tenjooberrymuds

Thanks Judy =)

This could also happen at a drive-in fast-order place, unfortunately!


By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND TENJOOBERRYMUDS...


In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to
learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following
conversation until you are able to understand the term 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS'.

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in with the growing trend!!!

Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and
Room-service:

Room Service (RS): 'Morrin. Roon sirbees.'

Guest (G): 'Sorry, I thought I d ialed room-service.'

RS: ' Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???'

G: 'Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.'

RS: 'Ow July den?'

G: '.....What??'

RS: 'Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?'

G: 'Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry... scrambled, please.'

RS: 'Ow July dee baykem? Crease?'

G: 'Crisp will be fine.'

RS: 'Hokay. An Sahn toes?'

G: 'What?'

RS: 'An toes. July Sahn toes?'

G: 'I... don't think so'

RS: 'No? Judo wan sahn toes???'

G: 'I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means.'

RS: 'Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we
bodder?'

G: 'Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...
Fine...Yes, an Engli sh muffin will be fine.'

RS: 'We bodder?'

G: 'No, just put the bodder on the side.'

RS: 'Wad?!?'

G: 'I mean butter... just put the butter on the side.'

RS: 'Copy?'

G: 'Excuse me?'

RS: 'Copy...tea...meel?'

G: 'Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything.'

RS: 'One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on
sigh and copy.. rye??'

G: 'Whatever you say.'

RS: 'Tenjooberrymuds.'

G: 'You're welcome.'

September 19, 2007

Sensible Observations

Thanks laurie! =)


1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

- --Author Unknown


2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

- --Author Unknown


3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

- --Drew Carey


4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

- --Jeff Foxworthy


5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

- --Dave Barry


6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

- --Bob Ettinger


7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

- --Paula Poundstone


8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."

- --Conan O'Brien


9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner."

- --Lynda Montgomery


10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"

- --Richard Jeni


11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

- --Johnny Carson


12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

- --Paul Rodriguez


13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."

- --Jerry Seinfeld


14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"

- --Warren Hutcherson


15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."

- --Oscar Wilde


16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."

- --Mark Twain


17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan ."

- --A. Whitney Brown


18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"

- --Dave Barry


19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

- -- Unknown, presumed deceased


20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."

- W. C. Fields


And lastly: Why in Hell should I have to Press 1 for English?

September 26, 2007

New Guy In Prison


October 1, 2007

Hah!

Thanks Theresa =)

Just click on the image to bring up the full pic.


October 3, 2007

Because I Am A Man...

Most of these are true, but not all!

Well, this one is, for sure! Yes, I am sick today. I think its the worst flu i've ever had in my life! heh.
"Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem."


Thanks Vicki!


Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."
We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread.
I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu."
For all I know, these are the same thing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this
will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV.
If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead.
(applies to engineers only)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex.
I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't ask.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . . and if you are feeling amorous afterwards . . then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine.
I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.
Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it, looks fine.
It does not make your ass look too big.
It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas that did that.
Your hair is fine.
You look fine.
Can we just go now?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework.
You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

October 14, 2007

Thought you might enjoy some puns

An email I got from a subscriber....
Thanks PSLangfit.

If you don't like puns, delete immediately.

REMEMBER: THE ABILITY TO MAKE AND UNDERSTAND PUNS IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL
OF LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT - REALLY! Here are the 10 first place winners
in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other
says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, " I can't
stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up
a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the
rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug
in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed
their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent
florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail, and ,with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him ... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)
... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh.
No pun in ten did.

What can ya say......


October 23, 2007

Create Your Own Personalized Message From Optimus Prime

This is from the Transformers movie. The kids will love this one.
(you can send an email or get a phone call)

http://optimus.transformersmovie.com/

October 27, 2007

Where To Retire?


You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park three blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open the oven door.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can live in California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there, rather thanhow many miles away it is.
6. The four seasons are: fire, flood, mud, and drought.

You can live in New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature".
4. You think that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can live in Maine where...

1. You have only four spices: salt, pepper, Ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over Parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can live in the deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "he needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You could live in Colorado where...

1. You carry your $4,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you stillhave a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the Mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition, "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"/STRONG>

AND you can live in Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind....even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

October 28, 2007

So, If You Were A Redneck....


Redneck Name

Your Redneck Name is
Bubba Pigpusher
Get Your Redneck Name at Quizopolis.com

November 11, 2007

The Mood Surfer

Pick how your feeling right now and then get taken to a random website.
Pretty cool.
If you get taken to a cool site, leave a comment below and let us know about it!

http://www.bored.com/moodsurfer/index.php

November 26, 2007

The Parody Motivator Generator

poster34926838.jpg

This was a couple of months ago when I started building my deck.
Hey, he wanted to help =)

Here is the link where you can create your own "Motivational Poster".

http://diy.despair.com/motivator.php

December 1, 2007

50 Years Of Math - Thanks Angie!

I can definitely relate to the first paragraph. It really happened to me (well, except for the crying part)


Fifty Years of Math 1957 - 2007

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2007

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

December 2, 2007

Invented By Mistake

Coca-Cola was the result of an accident. In 1886 a pharmacist named John Pemberton cooked up a medicinal syrup in a large brass kettle slung over an open fire, stirring it with an oar. When he was done, he figured he had created a fine tonic for people who were tired, nervous, or plagued with sore teeth. He and his assistant mixed it with ice water, sipped it, and proclaimed it tasty. They wanted some more, and the assistant accidentally used carbonated water to mix the second batch. Voila! Instead of medicine, these men had created a fizzy beverage--one that is now consumed around the world.

Yellow sticky notes, officially known as Post-it Notes, got their start in 1968 when a 3M researcher tried to improve adhesive tape. What he got was a semisticky adhesive--not exactly what you want out of tape. Even so, he knew he had something cool--he just didn't know what to do with it. Four years later, another 3M scientist was getting frustrated. This scientist was a member of his church choir, and he kept dropping the bookmarks stuck in his hymnal. What he needed was something that would stick without being too sticky--something just like that weak glue his colleague had accidentally created. In 1980 the Post-it Note became an official product and a huge hit.

Another 3M scientist came up with a cool substance called Scotchgard, which helps prevent dirt from staining fabric. But that wasn't what she set out to create: Scotchgard grew out of an attempt to make a synthetic rubber to be used in airplane fuel lines. One day some of the new substance spilled on her assistant's canvas shoe, and they couldn't get it off. As the tennis shoe grew older, it got dingy--everywhere except where the substance had spilled. It took three more years of tinkering, but they had their Scotchgard.

Rubber got its name when English scientist Joseph Priestley discovered that a wad of it was good at "rubbing out" pencil mistakes on paper. But the rubber really hit the road--literally--when someone figured out how to stabilize it for use in boots, tyres, and the like. The problem was that rubber melted if it got too hot and shattered if it got too cold. A colourful character named Charles Goodyear tried to fix this problem in several ways, but it wasn't until (according to legend) he accidentally dropped a blob of rubber and sulfur on a hot stove that he found something that worked. Goodyear denied this was a mistake, but the point is that he had the savvy to know he was on to something good.

Rubber shortages during World War II prompted the U.S. government to look for a synthetic rubber. It seemed like a good idea to try to make this substitute for rubber out of something plentiful, and researchers eventually settled on silicone. An inventor at General Electric added a little boric acid to silicone oil and developed a gooey, bouncy substance. This substance failed as a substitute for rubber, but after the war it became an extremely popular toy known as Silly Putty. Apollo 8 astronauts later used it to stabilize their tools in zero gravity. (The astronauts carried their Silly Putty in sterling silver eggs.) Today, Binney & Smith (the company that makes Silly Putty) produces 20,000 eggs' worth of Silly Putty a day.

Before Wilson Greatbatch came along, people with irregular heartbeats had to control their pulse using a sometimes painful external device invented in 1952 by Paul Zoll. The external pacemaker was about the size of a small television, and administered life-saving jolts of electricity, which sometimes burned the skin. Greatbatch, a medical researcher, was working on a device to record irregular heartbeats when he accidentally inserted a resistor of the wrong size. He noticed that the circuit pulsed, stopped, and pulsed again--just like a human heart. After two years of tinkering, Greatbatch had made the first implantable pacemaker. He later invented a corrosion-free lithium battery to power it, and millions have benefited.

Penicillin is another famous example of a mistake turned good. In 1928 scientist Alexander Fleming noticed that mold spores had contaminated one of the bacteria samples he had left by an open window. Instead of discarding his ruined experiment, Fleming took a close look and noticed the mold was dissolving the harmful bacteria. And that's how we got penicillin, which helps people around the world recover from infections. This brings to mind a powerful quote by scientist Louis Pasteur, "Where observation is concerned, chance favours only the prepared mind," and another, by writer James Joyce, "Mistakes are the portals for discovery."

December 3, 2007

If You Were The Grinch, What Would Be Your Name?


I would be Crabbyfrown Wickedton.

http://www.yourgeekfriend.com/GrinchName/GrinchName.php

December 4, 2007

A Little Humor - Old Timers

hahaha, thank you Wayne!


While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant
for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed
their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table
and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance
before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the
restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the
entire return drive. The more he chided he r -- the more agitated he became.

He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out
of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer
yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the
credit card."

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part
by remembering to contact at least one unstable person (not me) to show you
care. Well....my job is done. Your turn!

December 23, 2007

The Christmas Trivia Quiz

I got a 97 on this one. (out of 371 points)

http://www.quizland.com/f2quiz.mv?f18+NOMUSIC

December 25, 2007

I Do Dog Tricks...


So far he can do jump, beg, lie down. What else?

http://www.idodogtricks.com/index_flash.html

January 12, 2008

The Bus Driver


Your a bus driver.
At the first stop, eight people get on.
At the second stop, 4 people get on and 5 people get off.
At the third stop, 1 person gets on and 3 get off.
At the fourth stop, 12 people get on and 7 people get off.
At the final stop nobody gets on and 10 people get off.

Question: What is the bus drivers first name?

About Humor

This page contains an archive of all entries posted to Just Free Stuff Daily in the Humor category. They are listed from oldest to newest.

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