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Where To Retire?

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park three blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open the oven door.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can live in California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there, rather thanhow many miles away it is.
6. The four seasons are: fire, flood, mud, and drought.

You can live in New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature".
4. You think that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can live in Maine where...

1. You have only four spices: salt, pepper, Ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over Parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can live in the deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "he needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You could live in Colorado where...

1. You carry your $4,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you stillhave a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the Mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition, "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"/STRONG>

AND you can live in Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind....even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.


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Comments (4)


hmm i didn't know people outside the midwest didn't do the preposition thing...i thought that was right lol i mustve been in ohio too long!


Hey James! It's funny how some people like typical sterotype humor and laugh easily, UNTIL the joke is about 'their kind' . . . Then it's not as funny anymore, but only hurtful or offensive to them as they take it personally.

Give me a break!

I live in FloriDUH - for now, and it's just like any other of these United States, with all kinds of peoples, and their endless problems. A little joking without being vulgar or truly vindictive provides a good break from reality and the pains of life. It's good for us!


This was something that was forwarded to me.
I wrote none of it.

Chicago is a part of the midwest and half of what was said doesnt apply to us either. but whatever.

sorry you were offended.

Steve Melton:

I found the references to the deep south insulting. Yes there are some rednecks that are very real but we are all not billy bobs. Our accents and butchery of the English language are no more rural than any of the sparsely populated areas of the U.S. I could have written better.

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